Listen up, humans. It’s me, Bugsy. You’re overcomplicating things again. You’ve got spreadsheets, bank balances, heartbreaks, and all I’ve got is a wagging tail and a face that apparently makes strangers say “who’s a good boy?” at least five times a walk. Spoiler: it’s me.

If you’re tired, sad, or ugly-crying with swollen eyes (I won’t name names, Kate), here are my rules for a better life:

Rule 1: Nap whenever the mood strikes.

Couch, bed, sunspot on the floor, pile of dirty laundry, it doesn’t matter. Humans keep pushing through exhaustion like it’s a badge of honour. You’re cranky, drooling, and nobody likes you like that. Just nap.

Rule 2: Sniff first, ask later.

Curiosity isn’t dangerous, it’s delicious. That tree? Important memo from the neighbourhood dogs. That stranger’s bag? Potential snack stash. Stop worrying if you should, just sniff.

Rule 3: Lead with joy (wag before words).

Imagine if every time you saw someone you liked, your whole butt wiggled? That’s how I live. Drop the poker face. Wag at your people.

Rule 4: Treats are not guilty pleasures.

Humans keep whispering about carbs and calories like they’re state secrets. Newsflash: food is joy. Eat the chicken. Steal the sausage. Life is short.

Rule 5: Chase the ball, even if you never catch it.

Do the thing that makes your heart race, even if it’s ridiculous. Run after it anyway. The fun is in the chase.

Rule 6: Loyalty is everything.

If you’ve got someone who rubs your ears and fills your bowl, stick close. Don’t wander off for shinier toys. Stay with your pack.

Rule 7: Shake it off. Literally.

Got wet in the rain? Covered in mud? Bad day? Shake. It. Off. Then go roll in the grass.

That’s it, humans. Stop being weird about life. Sleep, sniff, wag, eat, chase, love, shake. Repeat.

Now, who’s got the biscuits?

~ Bugsy 🐾